The True Crisis in a Midlife Crisis

18 06 2012

There’s no accounting for personal style. Not that I have it all going on, Lord knows I’m a mess, especially right now (which I’ll get to someday in future blogs). But in the case of some (not all) middle-aged dudes trying to find themselves, someone ought to remind them that a 25-year-old mentality does not look so hot wrapped in a 55-year-old body.

Case in point yesterday a 50-something white guy pulls up next to me at a red light, driving some sort of sporty, vintage convertible with the top down. Okay, fine. I get it. He’s finally able to afford the car he’s always wanted as a kid, so why should he deny himself such a treasure now? I’m totally onboard with that. Heck, I’m still holding out hope of someday living in an East Village apartment just like Monica’s on the TV show Friends, and being able to afford it on the equivalent of what she made as a cook in some dive in Hell’s Kitchen. (Hey, don’t burst my bubble. It can happen.)

But here’s where it gets weird. Read the rest of this entry »

Being the Butt of a Bad Colonoscopy Joke

18 05 2012

They say the best humor is found in the most serious of situations, and for once I have to agree with the all-knowing THEM. Before we get off the subject of the colonoscopy I had last Monday, I feel the need to come clean about it, so to speak. True, there were no scary results, however, the procedure itself did NOT go well. I had a weird reaction to that lovely cleansing cocktail and had to be rushed to the hospital just hours after I took it.

Me AFTER I drank that nasty stuff

Upon the first sip around 6:00 p.m. Sunday I immediately felt nauseous. But I’d been warned that it’s nasty stuff, so I went ahead and powered down three more rounds of that poo juice every 15 minutes as instructed.

By 7:45 p.m. the only noticeable result was that my abdomen was so distended, not to mention excruciatingly painful, that I looked like the bottom layer of a Krispy Kreme wedding cake. Normally, I have the constitution of a teenage rooster, so this agonizing backup was a new experience for me.

Thinking things just needed a little encouragement I decided to go for a walk. But by the time I got back Read the rest of this entry »

Being a Thrifty Humanitarian

9 05 2012

The other day someone complimented me on what I was wearing. When my admirer asked me where I got my jacket I took a quick inventory of my frocks and realized that everything I had on fell into the “gently-used” category. In fact, I believe my entire outfit cost less than $60 and that included my Kenneth Cole leather boots, which I found for $30 at an adorable little resale shop in Park City.


You see, I am a total freak for thrift store shopping.

I don’t think I’ve paid full price for any item of clothing, other than underwear, since people suffering from Y2K madness hoarded water, baby wipes, and nondairy creamer, right next to their guns and ammo. (Actually, here in Utah that’s still a regular practice.)

Ironically, I will pay $75 for a bra that can boldly hoist my sagging breasts (which due to nursing look like two gym socks with marbles at the bottom) up to new heights, but I WON’T pay Read the rest of this entry »

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