The Theme of the Day

4 05 2012

Well, as you can tell, I’ve settled on a new blog theme…for now. I’ve been trying it out for a week, but to be perfectly honest there are things about this theme I’d still like to modify. However, it involves changing CSS style sheets and quite frankly I don’t have time to change my bed sheets. So I guess I’m going to live with this theme until I can figure out how to cram 36 hours into a day by altering the space-time continuum. (Let me add that of my to-do list.)

I find a meat thermometer helps determine my level of neurosis for the day

When it comes to improvements, whether it’s to my house, my wardrobe, my blog, or my twisted personality, I’m about as fickle as the weather. That’s because I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. So finding the right look for my blog will be a never-ending work-in-progress, kind of like obsessing over my weight…or my career…or my marriage. Which is why I really appreciate all your comments last week on blogs themes. Obviously, social media is great for building relationships where you can ask for help, however you know we’ve arrived at that awkward BFF status when I start writing blogs that confuse you with Dr. Laura.

“Hi All! Just wondering…should I send my husband to a rehabilitation camp for men who refuse to put the toilet seat down or just kill him now and be done with it? Please let me know by Monday, otherwise at this rate dear hubby might be resting peacefully in the old satin-lined, brass-handled sedan by Tuesday.”

That got me thinking. (No, not about killing my husband. That’s just silly. I mean, come on, who’s going to take the trash out or rid the yard of dog poop if he’s not around?) Now that we’re all so chummy, what other personal issues could I blog about to get your free advice? All the blogging books say you should end your blogs with a “call to action” to encourage comments, right? I figure if you’re going to take the time to weigh in anyway, you might as well answer some burning questions that have been keeping me up at night. After all, I don’t want to waste my time or yours.

So buckle up, dear readers, because I’ve decided we’ve come to that point in our collective relationship where I could hit you with personal topics that would make a priest squirm. Just to give you the heads up, if I were to go down this path, I’m thinking it might be appropriate to use my blog to ask you some of these little ditties:

  1. How long should I ignore that weird growth on my left lower flank? It’s only the size of a golf ball. Is “tennis ball” now the official red flag accepted by the American Medical Association (as well as BlueCross) when it comes to dealing with a mysterious mass?
  2. Should I keep “hush-hush” about that blood-covered sack of cash I found while on my morning hike in the woods?
  3. The waiter made me an offer I couldn’t refuse

  4. I received a coupon in the mail for some discount plastic surgery at the place where I have my nails done. I’ve always wanted to have my thighs sucked. Thoughts?
  5. How long before termites go away on their own?
  6. Is it really that big of a deal when the oil light in your car goes on? Mine’s been frantically flashing like a mirror ball at Studio 54 for two weeks and nothing’s happened.
  7. I found condoms in my husband’s underwear drawer but we haven’t had sex in two years. Should I be worried?
  8. I’ve been thinking of borrowing money for my kids’ college fund from a waiter/loan officer I met in an Italian restaurant. Anybody ever heard of The Corleone Savings and Loan out of New Jersey?
  9. My dog started foaming at the mouth and is becoming increasingly irritable. Should I continue to let him sleep with the kids?

I could ask you about all those things in a blog post, but in the interest of good taste and wanting to keep you as my friends…I won’t.

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Stacy Dymalski is a stand-up comic who gave up the glamorous life of coach travel, smokey comedy clubs, and heckling drunks for the glamourous life of raising kids (who happen to be bigger hecklers than the drunks). This blog is her new stage.

For more of Stacy’s comedy check out her hilarious book Confessions of a Band Geek Mom available in paperback and on Kindle on Amazon.com.


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21 responses

4 05 2012
Linda Galindo

You obsess over your weight?! What’s up with that?! Meat therMOMeters rule.

4 05 2012
Stacy Dymalski

I wouldn’t say I obsess over my weight PER SE, however, I am bummed about inheriting the flabby thighs that rule on my mom’s side. (And before you argue with me you haven’t seen me in a short dress. Or naked. And you never will.)

P.S. “therMOMeters”. Love it. Good one!

4 05 2012
minndixiemom

Sadly, I ignored the oil light – and the konk, konk sound my car was making. When I brought it to Firestone, they wouldn’t touch it. My dad, may he rest in peace, was an auto mechanic. He would be so ashamed. My oil light didn’t flash like yours does, though. I feel cheated. Thanks for the laugh!

4 05 2012
Stacy Dymalski

Yes, I know that “konk, konk” sound as well, since I blew the engine on my 1974 VW bug while in college. No one told me about the importance of oil in a car. I just knew you had to put gas in it once in a while. Why can’t they teach you these things in high school? Seems way more important than factoring polynomials.

4 05 2012
Jinx Morgan

Love your new theme…the thing about that little oil can light is that IT MEANS BUSINESS! I ignored it to my peril and now my sweet car is awaiting a new engine being delivered, I believe, from Ubekistan to the BVI for what I’m sure will be only slightly more than the GNP of Europe. I’m positive it was the fault of the car’s sensor, but others, namely your father, are not convinced.

4 05 2012
Stacy Dymalski

If you remember, Mamasan, I ignored the oil light on my Beetle in college, and my sister and I ended up stranded in Northern California when the engine blew on the way back from Oregon. Thank goodness we had relatives in Redding to take us in (since home was in the Bay Area at the time). Dear old Dad paid for that new engine, too. Must run in the family.

I’m sure in your case it was a faulty sensor. I’m going with you on that one. 😉

4 05 2012
Leslie Pipkins, B.Msc.

Love this post! I change something every single day on my blog…and keep trying to find a theme I really like but I just can’t. Unfortunately, I get bored very easily so even if I found one I liked I would probably need to change it again in about a week.

Bless. Leslie

5 05 2012
Stacy Dymalski

Leslie, I LOVE the fact that you change the look of your blog more often than my son changes his underwear (wait, is that TMI?). I think everyone should mix it up more often. Variety is the spice of life and since we can’t control everything in life, isn’t it nice to know we can be the Czar of our own blogs? 😉

4 05 2012
bestintentionsmom

Hilarious as always! thanks for the smile 🙂

5 05 2012
Stacy Dymalski

Thank you so much! And back at you! I love reading your blog, too. Anyone who hasn’t checked http://bestintentionsmom.wordpress.com/ should. Love your recent “Socktopus” post. Keep them coming!

4 05 2012
Linda Galindo

P.S. Best line in the Wizard of Oz when tin man is first trying to talk and scarecrow deciphers his first words as “oil can.” To which scarecrow replies…”Oil can what?” hahahahahaha….I love that!

5 05 2012
Stacy Dymalski

Okay, Linda, there are a million jokes in there I’m not going touch. But just to elude…when the Tin Man anxiously muttered the words “oil can” after being stiff for so long it was because he knew he needed to lube up quickly or else he might blow a piston.

You can’t spoon feed me these innuendos and not expect me to jump on them. It’s just in my DNA. 😀

4 05 2012
Michelle at Motley News

Hey, Stacy. You seem to be in a bit of a quandry today, so thought I’d help you out with your list of questions. Here ya go!

1. … left lower “flank”? I thought that was a steak….

2. Yes, but you should share it with me.

3. Can’t they just paint your thighs smaller? Put some of those pretty little daisy decals all over them?

4. Just bring in some cockroaches. They’re the worst enemy of the termites. You’ll see smoke coming out from under the termite’s feet as they scramble their way out of your flooring.

5. No… you should wait for the engine light to come on first. Then you can kill two birds with one stone at the mechanics shop.

6. No, I’m sure they’re to be used for balloons for the little neighbor girls sixth birthday party next week.

7. My sister’s boyfriend’s cousin’s neighbor, Jim, used them. As far as I know he thinks they’re great! But then… no one has seen Jim for a while, so assuming he is still happy with them.

8. Put the Alka-Seltzer and Gaviscon out of the dogs reach, silly… then you won’t have him foaming at the mouth.

5 05 2012
Stacy Dymalski

Now see, this is what I’m talking about! Where else can I get this type of quality advice FOR FREE and so quickly. I’m canceling all future therapy sessions and turning to my blog for advice. Next week we’ll all discuss the undue pressure one receives when they ask you if you want paper or plastic at check-out. Or if you want to keep or donate your bag credit. Please! Isn’t it enough that I just had to decide between biodegradable and regular plastic trash bags? Don’t push your luck with me, people.

5 05 2012
Michelle at Motley News

Oh, crap. That started my twitch again. Paper or plastic… I have just started therapy and the twitch finally stopped last week. paper or plastic or paper or plastic….. HELP!

4 05 2012
Dee Macaluso

1. Till it starts talking to you. 2. Yes. 3. I’m sure you could find lots of people to suck your thighs. 4. Couple of millenia. 5. Ah ah ah ah stayin alive. 6. Only if they break. 7. Cousins on the Peressini side. 8. With a shotgun.

5 05 2012
Stacy Dymalski

Check. Got it. Thanks. Next I want to talk to you privately about how to dispose of some “remains” that could get me into a lot of trouble if I don’t figure out how to get rid of them soon. Recycling’s a bitch, ya know.

5 05 2012
annettevelarde

Isn’t this digital world we live in great? Now we know the exact number of our friends because of Facebook, we know which ones are our BFF’s because they actually respond to our Twitters, and we have a line of people waiting to be our friends on Facebook because we’re connected with them on LinkedIn. No more having to take time to actually get together, watch each others kids, or bring soup over when we’re under the weather. And since you and I are electronically joined together at the hip, that must mean I can ask you ANYTHING online, right? So, what’s the brand of condom in your husbands drawer? I gave him a whole box of my favorite “Rip & Roll Super Slicks.” If it’s any brand other than that, he’s got some answering to do … oops, have I said too much?

5 05 2012
Stacy Dymalski

Wow, how weird that you knew the brand of condoms I found in my husband’s drawer. What a coincidence! And BTW this might be a good time to tell you that he’s finally going to the doctor to find out what that burning sensation when he pees is all about. I’m sure it’s nothing that a couple shots to the testicles won’t cure.

6 05 2012
Phillip

About # 6. This is your permission. Phillip

6 05 2012
Stacy Dymalski

Thanks, Phillip. You just never know, which is why I always like to get a second opinion. 😉

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