Mommy Tattoos

30 01 2012

This way you'll never forget your kid's birthday

The latest in oxymorons? Mommy tattoos. It used to be the only time the words “mommy” and “tattoo” ended up in a sentence together is when a rebellious teenager would tell her friends, “Mommy’s head just about exploded when she saw my new tattoo of Todd’s penis,” only to be outclassed by the follow-up comment: “I don’t know why she’s so tweaked. It’s not like everyone will see it since it’s on my inner thigh pointing to my…”

Anyway, you get the idea.

But now the new trend for cool moms is to don permanent body ink that expresses how much they love their children. And here all along I thought giving up a career, losing sleep, gaining weight, sitting through six million school band concerts, and paying for multiple college educations were indicators that I was in it for the long haul. Silly me.

THE HISTORY OF MOMMY TATTOOS

Nothing helps you to get over an ex like having lots of kids

As with anything that’s weirdly fashionable, the mommy tattoo trend started in Hollywood and then crept into the mainstream like a new amphibious species evolving from a bog. Angelina Jolie kicked it off by printing the earth coordinates of her children’s birth places on her shoulder to cover up a lasered-off “Billy Bob” tat she had removed after she decided that actor Billy Bob Thornton was too bizarre even for her. Following suit Victoria Beckham, Heidi Klum, and even Julia Roberts all went under the needle to tell the world that their children will be near and dear to their hearts (or in Julia’s case, near and dear to her bum) forever.

But unlike we everyday people in the trenches, mommy tattoos aren’t as awkward on celebrities because they don’t have to explain to a three-year-old at the local cooperative preschool your child attends why you have your toddler’s apgar scores inked on your forearm next to a naked baby picture of him. (Keep in mind these kids will be classmates until they graduate from high school 15 years from now. That’s a lot of razzing for your kid to endure. Just start saving money now for his therapy later.)

That’s not to say that I’m anti-tattoo. I’m not. In fact, I think they’re kind of hot on GROWN men (at least on the guys who keep themselves in shape, anyway), depending on the message. For example, hot: Johnny Depp’s tattoo that reads Silence Exile Cunning, which is taken from the James Joyce book A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man. Not hot: Jackass star Steve-O’s giant tattoo of himself on his back and butt. Seriously?

And I don’t begrudge a woman getting a tattoo either, as long as it’s not on a delicate part of her body that I would never want to see anyway, yet she insists on showing it to everyone during book club. Put that thing away, honey, we’re trying to discuss Sue Grafton’s V is for Vengeance and we really don’t need to see your V.

GET ONE IF YOU WANT TO APPEAR EVEN DORKIER TO YOUR KIDS

Honestly, who DOESN'T want their kids initials posted right above their ass?

As far as mommy tattoos go, I’m sorry, but I don’t want to have to glance at my armpit to remember what my kids looked like when they were little. Digital pictures and video are just fine, thank you very much. Besides a mommy tattoo may seem cute when your child is a baby, but guess what? Kids grow up. Trust me, beyond age 12 it just gives your offspring something else which confirms (to them) that you truly ARE wacked.

And honestly, they’re not that far off.

Think about it, would you want to see your cherub toddler face firmly planted in the valley of your mother’s cleavage FOREVER? (Please mom, I’m begging you when you meet my fiancé DO NOT wear a low-cut blouse.) Or your baby foot prints trekking across yo’ mama’s ass? (Mom: Look everyone he’s always had big feet. You know what that means. Wink, wink.) Oh, hell no! And let’s not forget how the body sags as one ages. There is nothing freakier than at age 50 looking at your child’s sonogram emblazoned across your belly…when it was tattooed on there at age 25. Eww. Now it just looks like a melting glacier.

However, I have decided that threatening to get a mommy tattoo would be an EXCELLENT way to get my teenagers to help out more around the house. Because even though I would never sport one, my boys think I’m crazy enough to do just about anything. So if you’d excuse me, I need go pick out some baby pictures that would look nice plastered across my ever-shrinking bosom. (Good thing I have two kids—one for each side.) I need all three of our bathrooms cleaned and something tells me my boys will be more than happy to help.

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Stacy Dymalski is a stand-up comic who gave up the glamorous life of coach travel, smokey comedy clubs, and heckling drunks for the glamourous life of raising kids (who happen to be bigger hecklers than the drunks). This blog is her new stage.

For more of Stacy’s comedy check out her hilarious book Confessions of a Band Geek Mom available in paperback and on Kindle on Amazon.com.


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19 responses

30 01 2012
disseminatedthought

WTF? Is that a mummy tramp stamp?

30 01 2012
Dee Macaluso

It may be handy to have your kids birth dates tattooed on your ass, but then you’d have to get someone else to read them for you. “Honey, is Caleb’s birthday the 3rd or 4th? Check my left cheek.”

30 01 2012
billiejh

Well since I don’t have children can I tattoo one of yours on my butt? I think that would be really special. Will you ask them which one wants to volunteer?

30 01 2012
shoes

This is an awesome post! The only up side I can see to a mommy tattoo is that maybe you can cut through all the red tape and double and triple checking to make sure your child is actually yours when you go to pick them up from childwatch at the YMCA. Just flash your (insert random body part here) displaying a tat of your child’s image and off you go – unencumbered by scratchy wristbands or those stickers with your child’s name and a number that you keep forgetting to remove from your workout clothes before putting them in the wash.
But still, on the second thought, I think I will skip the ink – thank you very much. 🙂

8 03 2012
All that makes you...

I don’t know…I know some pretty uptight PTO moms that might tattoo their kid and themselves like the Chuckie Cheese stamp so you don’t take someone else’s sugar high, sweaty, barefoot, crawling around in puke tunnels and his knees are showing it …kid from Chuckie Cheese. I don’t know but if I were into kidnapping I would find one at the library. WOuld be so honored if you stopped by my new page. You are living in my head.

8 03 2012
Stacy Dymalski

I did stop by your blog and I love it! I signed up to follow and I encourage anyone else who reads this comment to do the same: http://allthatmakesyou.wordpress.com/ Very nice stories, all of which I can totally relate to!

And thanks for reading my blog and commenting. I really appreciate you taking the time to do so, especially when I can see you have yoru hands full at home, too!

8 03 2012
All that makes you...

Thank you! Your the first person that has told people you like it. I’m smiling because I feel like I dumped my underwear drawer out in the middle of a floor at a dinner party. I have never shared all these stories with people I don’t know and my friends run when they see me coming because they know my life is like a sitcom and I am going to tell them what happened. he he!

8 03 2012
Stacy Dymalski

Well, I for one look forward to reading all about your family escapades. Keep on writing! I promise your perseverance will pay off!

8 03 2012
Stacy Dymalski

At the risk of warranting a shameless plug, if I’m living in your head (which, by the way, is very nicely decorated–love the color scheme) you might want to check out my book “Confessions of a Band Geek Mom.” If you like this blog you will love these stories. A lot more of the same that I’m sure you could relate to. Here’s the link on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Confessions-Band-Geek-Mom-exhausted/dp/0615474993/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1304446183&sr=1-1. And if you do get a chance to read it (and like it), I would love it if you could post a review on Amazon. Right now the only review is from my brother, who LOVES it, but I’d like to get some reviews out there from people with whom I don’t share DNA.

Thanks again for all your great comments!

8 03 2012
All that makes you...

No such thing as a shameless plug if you can’t post your stories on Facebook for fear of the teachers knowing whats really going on at home! Then they will want to share it with a social worker. Kind of like “If you take a mouse to the movies”. 😉 I raise you a shameless plug..Check out your Amazon review. 🙂

8 03 2012
Stacy Dymalski

Well, I guess I have TWO reviews. Someone snuck another one in there while I wasn’t looking. And I’m not even related to her. That’s HUGE! Thanks for bringing my second review to my attention. Makes my day! (Even though the review was in January. I need to get on my Amazon page more often!)

8 03 2012
Chris Simon

What about daddy tattoos? Probably doesn’t make the same impact as a mommy one would. But does that mean that as a dad, I shouldn’t get my four kid’s baby pictures or sonograms inked onto me somewhere? Well, I don’t think that I would do either of those, but something that represents them I would most likely do. I’ve been considering getting their birthweights because 3 of my sons where full term and the fourth was three months premature. I think that that wouldn’t be so bad.
Like I said it would represent them and the best tattoos are the ones that mean the most to the person wearing them, be it daddy or mommy.

18 03 2012
Stacy Dymalski

I know this sounds sexist, but I actually think Daddy tattoos are hot, even though I roll my eyes at the idea of mommy tattoos. And here’s why: women by nature are so forthright with communication already. They will share just about anything if someone even hints that they’re interested in listening (and quite often they’ll yak even if no one is listening). But in most cases, men tend to be more reserved with their feelings. So for a guy to permanently adorn his body with information about his kids, well, that’s pretty cool. And I think a lot women would find that attractive.

Just another one of those cases when it’s not fair when it comes to men and women (at least in my quirky worldview).

Thanks for your post! I love hearing about this from a dad’s point of view!

11 03 2012
fivesecondrules

This is too funny. Just stumbled upon your blog. It’s great!

18 03 2012
Stacy Dymalski

Thank you so much! I’m so happy that you stopped by and I hope you come back again soon!

If you like my blog posts, then you’d also love my book “Confessions of a Band Geek Mom” which is more of the same, but in book chapter format. It’s hilarious stories about how I gave up celebrity and the “fabulous life” as a stand-up comic to become a stay-a-at home mom…in Utah…and I’m not even Mormon. (What was she thinking?) And all the funny stuff that ensued as a result of that. It’s on Amazon in both book and Kindle format at http://www.amazon.com/Confessions-Band-Geek-Mom-exhausted/dp/0615474993/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1304446183&sr=1-1.

Thanks again for reading my post and taking the time to comment. Means a lot to me!

27 04 2012
Everyday Mom Style (@EverydayMomStyl)

Hilarious!! My 3rd grade daughter’s teacher has a tattoo- that all the kids can see, and I think it is so weird! For Petes’ sake cover that baby up!

27 04 2012
Stacy Dymalski

I hope your daughter’s teacher’s tattoo isn’t something like a snake doing nasty things or swear words in another language. How does one explain THAT during parent-teacher conferences.

Maybe you should do a blog post on the “fashionable” way to cover a stupid tattoo you got in college or while on a drunken-fest vacation in Jamaica. It would probably hit closer to home for more women than you’d think. 😉

16 05 2012
MJ, Nonstepmom

I am a fan of the ink – I grew up with an tattoo artist uncle….but that said, I also grew up being preached at “THINK before you ink ” – so many people go too big, too tacky ! The one I really hate is the portrait tattoo, its kinda creepy having your kids face on your back ..

16 05 2012
Stacy Dymalski

I agree. Can you imagine what your kids are going to think of you having their cherubic faces inked on your body long after they’re grown up. Not to mention the teenage years? Geez, if you want to create lasting memories that’s what digital photography is for!

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